Many of you have no doubt noticed that there haven’t been any new Boobs and Dicks comic strips for the last two weeks. Let me assure you that I have not taken another trip to the Florida Keys, nor have I abandoned my weekly excursions to the Boobs and Dicks Universe. The reason for the failure to produce comic strips in recent weeks is simpler and more sinister: the boobs and dicks have carried out an act of SABOTAGE on my mode of production.
I began Monday, June 23rd, 2012, like any other day. Stepping out onto my balcony with a pack of cigarettes and a pot of café Cubano, I was perusing the day’s news headlines looking for new evidence of the boobs and dicks in our world, Reality Prime. That was when I noticed some small wisps of white smoke wafting in the morning air. Instinctively, I raised the cigarette in my hand to my lips in order to draw in a smooth, calming, cancer-causing lungful of air. But, much to my surprise, I found the cigarette unlit. Another wafting wisp of smoke caught my eye, looking as though it came from over the edge of my balcony. I raised my computer from my lap, stood up, and leaned forward hoping to discover the source of this white smoke. It was then that I noticed it was not coming from down on the street. The smoke was pouring out of the back of my computer!
There was a sizzle and a crack, and then the screen went black, and my computer, my companion, and my tool for converting comic strips to their digital form was as dead as a doornail.
Now, the sudden tragic death of a compute is not, in and of itself, enough implicate the boobs and dicks as the active perpetrators of a heinous act. Computers and mechanical devices die unexpectedly all the time for any number of reasons. Still, in the back of my mind, as I mourned the loss of my computer throughout the day, knowing full well that I did not have enough money to replace it, I could not help but suspect foul play.
My suspicions were confirmed at dinner. As I sat down and began eating my last box of Value Time Mac & Cheese, I noticed some black specks in my meal that did not look like black pepper. Upon further inspection, I discovered that my delicious meal was infested with tiny, dead, black bugs!
It was then that I knew the boobs and dicks had been in my apartment and were actively carrying out viscous acts of sabotage. They had attacked my computer, the main tool I use to produce comic strips exposing their existence and their plot to take over Reality Prime. And they had polluted my meal, my source of sustenance. Like an old Sicilian message, the meaning they meant to convey through these acts was clear: “Just like we’re doing with your world, Reality Prime, we are going to destroy you, body and mind.”
It was a cold, calculated message stemming from cruel acts of aggression, acts of sabotage carried out by creatures from a strange, foreign plane of existence that somehow still resembles our world in ways that are only explainable when I accept the fact that the boobs and dick are all around us, bent on taking over and dominating our lives. However, as horrified as I am by these blatant acts of aggression, I am not deterred. The undeniable presence of a legion of boobs and dicks influencing our world makes my work to document their movements and actions all the more imperative, providing the residents of Reality Prime the knowledge they need to both understand their inexplicable nature and to recognize the boobs and dicks in our world when we encounter them so that we, human beings, might be able to thwart their planned takeover of our plane of existence. The loss of my computer and all the legally questionable programs I use to create it Is only a minor setback.
Within the next few weeks, I shall resume my work with new and better tools to help me keep you informed. But be wary, my fellow residents of Reality Prime: the boobs and dicks are living among us, and they are growing more aggressive. Take heed of my warning, dear readers, and do whatever it takes to arm yourselves against them!
This week, I am taking a break from reporting from the Boobs and Dicks Universe in an attempt to repair my fractured psyche.
Oh the tolls the journey to their world exacts on my weary soul! One cannot even begin to imagine the horrors I’ve seen.
Regular Friday updates will resume next week (June 15th).
Until then, faithful readers, BEWARE! The boobs and dicks are here in Reality Prime, and they want to assimilate you into their ranks!
Anecdotal Evidence Regarding the Potential Presence of a Coalition of Giant Boobs and Dicks in Reality Prime
Ever since my near-fatal encounter with the postman a few months ago (see “Are They Already Living Among Us?”), I have been hesitant to leave the house for fear that they, the giant boobs and dicks, have infiltrated our universe and are plotting my demise. Of course, this belief that they are trying to destroy me could simply be the result of my natural propensity for paranoid delusions. But what if it’s not?
There a still too many unanswered questions: Did I really see a giant dick masquerading as a postman? And if so, was this giant dick attempting to kill me as part of a larger plot on behalf of the boobs and dicks to conceal their planned takeover of our world, Reality Prime? I have not been able to find any hard evidence to support this supposition (of course, barricading oneself inside one’s apartment does make evidence-gathering somewhat difficult), but further anecdotal evidence has surfaced regarding the boobs and dicks’ presence in our world.
A friend of mine knows a woman who was bicycling down a busy road one afternoon a few weeks ago in Miami. According to my source, this cyclist took a violent fall after failing to navigate a curb. As she lay injured on the corner of the busy intersection, her hands and arms badly scraped and her ankle sprained, no one seemed to take any notice of her.
Finally, as she managed to crawl to the sidewalk and sit up to assess her injuries, a car did stop, and a young man leapt out of the passenger door. At last, a Good Samaritan in a sea of apathetic assholes, this poor biker thought to herself.
Unfortunately, this was not the case, for, rather than rushing over to the injured woman to ask if she needed assistance, the young man grabbed her bike and took off on it down the road!
When I first heard this story, I thought little of it, assuming that such a heartless theft was simply the isolated action of one of society’s dregs. However, late one evening dominated by fear and paranoia, I began to wonder whether it really was just some random asshole who had committed this crime of opportunity. There had been no mention of anyone witnessing this young man taking the shape of a giant dick as he fled the scene. But, then again, who else but a giant dick could even conceive of acting like such a giant prick?
Of course, the supposition that this young thief was a giant dick masquerading as a human being could just be the paranoia talking. But, even if the young man was, in fact, not a dick, perhaps he was working for some invading legion of giant dicks plotting to make our lives miserable, a legion of assholes striving to pit us against one another through random acts of criminality, knowing full well that the apathetic inaction of other citizens would practically grant them immunity for their crimes. Or, if these conspiracy theories are merely paranoid delusions, perhaps the young man’s callous state of mind had been influenced by an encounter (or many encounters) with giant dicks passing themselves off as everyday men and women.
As I have said, more evidence is needed to support my suppositions regarding the massive boob and dick invasion. But, in order to gather this evidence, I will need to venture out of my locked apartment and into the world, an act that might bring on even more paranoia and lead to a failure of judgment that could have dire, even fatal consequences.
As I wander among the boobs and dicks, the launch of the webpage now only one day away, I have begun to wonder whether our world, Reality Prime, is ready for Boobs and Dicks. Will the people understand what I’m trying to accomplish? Will they even accept the fact that there is a parallel universe inhabited by boobs and dicks, a world into which I alone have been able to gain unfettered access and through which I am able to move about undetected, allowing me to record their activities in order that the residents of Reality Prime might come to better understand them? And, even if the residents of Reality Prime accept that the boobs and dicks exist, what could our world possibly hope to gain from this knowledge?
But, alas, I must set these questions aside for now and focus on the task at hand. The connection is nearly established. Only one more day until it is ready.
Boobs and Dicks is coming!
The boobs and dicks have been rather annoying as of late. Every time I submit to them the website’s updated page layouts and color schemes, they scoff at what they perceive as my insolent nature. They say such things as: “How could you possibly expect me to be seen on a site like that. It’ll damage my reputation, cause me to lose my job, which will hurt my ability to participate in the economy and pay-down my debt, thus lowering my credit score and keeping me out of heaven.”
It has become clear that I should begin to distance myself from my subjects, training myself to disregard all the criticism they are always so ready and eager to hand out. Sometimes it feels as though their entire sense of individual worth and personal identity depended on it.
Still, I suppose they are correct in their assertion that the site could look better. So it’s back to work for this lowly documentarian .
Until next time, my fellow residents of Reality Prime,